As you know (or probably could have guessed), I am an ex-Mormon. I was born into the LDS Church and, during my middle school and high school years, was intensely religious—a “bonafide paragon of piety.” That’s hard even for me to believe at times.

Since graduating from USU, I have been in an existential funk of sorts. With no job or school, I have had a lot of time to think about my past. Going through some old junk (emails, letters, journals, etc.), I was reminded of just how devout a Mormon I was. So for our collective amusement, I thought I’d share what I re-discovered.

One of the first things that I found in a small box buried away in my closet was an envelope entitled “Open when ALONE.” In it was Elder Mark E. Peterson infamous “Steps in Overcoming Masturbation” article. I was planning to give this talk to a friend as a Christmas present (WTF?!), but apparently never did, seeing as that I still possess the envelope. Here are a few of the “guidelines to self-control” that Elder Peterson recommended (several of which I followed):

*If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness.

*When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes—just long enough to bathe and dry and dress.

*In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken.

*In bed…dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes.

*It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

*Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

*[I]f you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tube of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

I also came across a talk I gave in sacrament meeting back in early 2004. My talk was “The Case for Christianity,” and it was a response to Nietzsche, who I studied briefly in high school debate. For those interested, here is the talk in full:

Good afternoon brothers and sisters.

There are many in the world today who would tell us, “God is dead.” In order for this to be true, however, God must first have lived. And I am here to testify that he did indeed live, and, in fact, continues to live, for it is his “work and glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”

This illustrates the fundamental flaw in the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche was a 19th century German philosopher and is considered…one of the most important and influential critics of Christianity. His philosophy was of the world, and it taints, to this day, our culture and society. It is a philosophy we must understand and fully reject, for the Nietzsches of our day continue to advance pride over love, selfishness over selflessness, and pleasure over progress.

For Nietzsche, love was the ultimate weakness of Christian thought. According to him, compassion (or pity as he called it) established a concrete class of slaves. It was an obstruction to progress, for autonomous beings should not limit themselves with such “destructive emotions,” but rather acknowledge one’s natural motives and feelings. “Egoism is not evil,” Nietzsche proclaimed. In other words, Nietzsche felt as though the only obligations we have are to ourselves, and that we should not be enslaved by trifle emotions like love and empathy.

This line of thought is a major offense to God and Christ. Christ was asked, “Which is the greatest commandment?” to which he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” In John 13:35, Christ teaches that by love all men shall know that we are his disciples. If we are to take upon ourselves the name of Christ, then only in rejecting the world’s pride and embracing our Lord’s love can we call ourselves Christians.

Nietzsche’s second criticism of Christianity was Christ’s call to service. The fruits of our efforts must be for our benefit exclusively, he contended. The individual has a finite worth, and at the point in which we give a part of ourselves to someone else, we limit and decrease our worth.

With a personal testimony of service, I know this is not the case. Service, when done with sincerity, strengthens both those you serve and yourself. We feel edified in our service for we know that inasmuch as we have done it unto one of the least of our brethren, we have done it unto Christ. The fact that we align ourselves with the humblest and meekest among us is a Christian’s strength, not weakness, and it sets Christianity apart from most other philosophies.

Nietzsche and the world are mistaken to measure progress superficially. To define one’s true wealth by gold and land is to devalue God’s Plan of Salvation. We find Nietzsche in contradiction when he claims Christians confine their potential in a rigid box of thinking, for he fails to acknowledge the fact that he limits his thinking to mortality. He never seeks out things of an eternal nature, things of eternal benefit. The Church realizes the value of an earthly education, and puts much emphasis on it, but the Church never turns a blind eye to what eternal progression can be gained in the life to come. Ultimate self-actualization is found on our return back to our Heavenly Father; in his presence we know and testify of all things.

Nietzsche rejects God’s grace in saying that man, being of a fallible nature, can never attain perfection, let alone through spirituality. The True to the Faith booklet best contends this by saying: “As you ponder your progress on the ‘strait and narrow path,’ be assured that eternal life is within your reach. The Lord wants you to return to Him, and He will never require anything of you that you cannot fulfill. All His commandments are calculated to promote your happiness. When you exercise faith and serve Him with all your might, He gives you strength and provides a way for you to do whatever he commands.”

As Christians, we cannot afford to fall prey to the supposed “logic” of Nietzsche’s worldly way of thinking. We are not weak, but immeasurably strong in proportion to our faith in Christ. If we commit to embracing Christ’s teachings of love, service, and eternal progression, we will be more apt to recognize Satan’s deceptions. Through Christ, and by no other way, we find peace, happiness, and ultimately salvation.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

This may well be the first Nietzsche-themed sacrament talk ever given. Ha ha.

Browsing through an old CD case, I found some LDS music I haven’t listened to in years—from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to The Best of E.F.Y. soundtracks. There was also some Christian rock albums among the CDs. My favorite Christian bands were Jars of Clay and MercyMe. The latter’s hit single is below. I still think it’s a beautiful song.

In 2002 and 2003, I frequently participated in an online history forum. There I would primarily discuss WWII and, in particular, Field Marshall Erwin Rommel (a hero of mine). But occasionally I would proselytize to the other forum members about Mormonism. In a thread about members’ religious affiliations, I wrote the following:

Any Mormons? Come on, the fastest growing religion, and only one member in this forum! I’ll take care of that.

A tad overconfident, no? When a professional historian correctly noted that actually Buddhism and Islam are the fastest growing religions, I was skeptical.

I don’t know their rate of growth, but I have been told a number of times that the Mormon religion is the fastest growing. The church, from 1877, has constructed 114 temples worldwide; 14 more have been announced or under construction. Our population has grown from 6 in 1830 to over 11 million as of today. It has also been said that our membership grows by approximately 750 members a day.

The members were kind enough to humor me with some questions about Mormonism. I took it as an opportunity to inform, but also to preach. I cautioned people against visiting “anti-Mormon sites,” because they confuse Mormons with the Amish and portray Mormons as “militant.” (Mormons seem to revel in people’s misperceptions of their faith.) I instead referred them to LDS.org.

Asked how Mormonism differs from traditional Christianity, I wrote:

One major difference in our church is that we believe in modern day revelation. We follow a Prophet who speaks to God and leads our church. We believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior of all the earth and that he upon his resurrection came to America and established his gospel to the inhabitants of this continent. The Book of Mormon is a historical witness of the relationship between early Native Americans and Jesus Christ. Along with the Bible, it is another Witness of Jesus Christ.

That I could articulate this—the core message of Mormonism—at so young an age demonstrates how effective the LDS Church is at inculcating its teachings into the youth.

This back-and-forth about Mormonism continued for a few more posts. In one, I challenged people to explain “why a 14-year-old would make up his own religion.” Some points of disagreement were left unresolved, so I ended on an ecumenical note. Quoting Bill O’Reilly (whose Fox News show I watched religiously):

“The most important thing I can say about religion is that it’s a good thing for all of us to have. It doesn’t matter what you believe as long as you believe in something.” (The O’Reilly Factor, p. 163)

Another online forum in which I was active around this same time was a Christian prayer board, where people submitted and answered prayer requests. Under the username “LDSWarrior,” I asked that people prayer for me that I may overcome my “homosexual feelings” and other sins.

When a few conservative Christians posted that Islam was a violent and evil religion, I came to its defense:

I think some of you have been too hard on Islam. Any faith in my eyes is a worthy cause to follow if pursued with the right heart. Islam is a peaceful, loving religion for the most part. We can’t generalize Muslims by what we see on TV, extremists like Bin Laden. These aren’t Muslims! Just murderers. Let us remember that all religions have their dark marks in history. Christianity for example had the crusades, a conflict arising out of hate for one’s fellow human beings and causing thousands of lives—a hate that I would never originally think to associate with Christianity. Christ taught us to love one another, and furthermore, for those Muslim extremists, to pray for those who don’t yet see the light of Christ and who may even resent us.

And finally, perhaps the best illustration of my religiosity is what I had plastered to my bedroom wall until early 2007—dozens of LDS and Christian images and sayings, many of which I recently found in a box.

I know that this was a rather long trip down memory lane; thanks for reading. Personal though it was, I hope it was at least amusing. You should have a better idea of why it is that I am so interested in Mormonism, as well. When something plays as big a role in your life as Mormonism did mine, you cannot simply forget it. You live in its shadow for years to come.

Another reason why I shared my experience as a Mormon is because it shows that even the most dyed-in-the-wool believers can change their minds. So don’t be deterred when people tell you that religious debates are ineffectual. Had I never been introduced to contrary opinions, I may still be Mormon (and you wouldn’t be reading this blog).