The Christmas season can be an unpleasant one for atheists. And it’s not (just) because we’re on Santa’s naughty list or that a stocking brimful with coal awaits us. Christmas, with all its secular excesses, is still observed as a religious occasion by many people. Our atheism, then, becomes more conspicuous and less tolerated. The reason for the season is used as a reason to give atheists grief.
Every night on Fox news, O’ Reilly and ilk bemoan the supposed “War on Christmas.” They claim that Christmas is under threat from secularists, atheists, and our politically-correct sympathizers. A video montage few your viewing pleasure:
The American Humanist Association recently launched a Christmas campaign, with billboards and bus ads that read, “”Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness’ sake” and “No God? No problem!” Rather innocuous stuff, really. Hardly befitting of a “War on Christmas.” Yet predictably, Bill O’ Reilly feigned righteous indignation over the ads, and retorted in an article last week that atheists are just jealous they don’t have their own Christmas. He wrote, in part:
[A]theists are jealous of the Yuletide season. While Christians have Jesus and Jews have the prophets, nonbelievers have Bill Maher. There are no Christmas carols for atheists, no pagan displays of largesse like Santa Claus. In fact, for the nonbeliever, Christmas is just a day off, a time to consider that Mardi Gras is fewer than two months away.
…Christmas is a joyous time for children, the big upside of celebrating the birth of Jesus. Why, then, do people who want to “be good” spend money denigrating a beautiful day? Could it be that the humanists are not really interested in good at all?
That atheists are harassed during the holidays by Fox News is not surprising. What concerns most young atheists is how their families will receive them. Many of my friends already have strained relations with their family over religious disagreements, and these disagreements are magnified at Christmas time. If things go well, there may just be an unspoken tension at the dinner table. If things go poorly, you may find yourself in this kid’s sorry situation…
I’ve had the “If you don’t believe in Jesus, why should we give you presents?” card pulled on me before. I’m sure many of you have as well. But luckily, things with my family aren’t that bad. In fact, I usually get along famously with my parents. There is one negative Christmas episode I’d like to share, however.
Last Christmas Eve, I downloaded a torrent of Bill Maher’s “Religulous.” I had been waiting for a copy for months, and it just so happened to be released online a few days before Christmas. When my mom found out what I was download (via my little brother), she was irate. She didn’t appreciate that I was planning to watch an “anti-religion” film the night before her most cherished holiday. I honestly didn’t think much of that fact that it was Christmas Eve, but my mom took my downloading “Religulous” as a sign that I don’t respect her faith. She then went off on this emotional tirade in which she told me that she hated having me home, because I as a bisexual atheist constantly remind her of how she failed as a parent. You can imagine how shitty Christmas morning was for me that year.
My mom and I often say things we regret, so I don’t hold that statement against her. She has also since apologized for it. But thinking about the incident makes me want to spare others a similar experience. Nobody wants to dread what should be a joyous time with friends and family.
So I want to this post to serve as a forum in which we share both our positive and negative Christmas stories as atheists in the hopes that we can learn from each others’ experiences. If your parents make your atheism an issue, how should you respond? Should we wait for our parents to make it an issue, or should we initiate a religious discussion ourselves? And for those who have yet to come out of the proverbial closet as atheists to their family, is the holiday season an appropriate time to do so?
Your thoughts are appreciated.
When my parents (jokingly) said I wouldn’t get any presents unless I believed in Jesus, I pointed out that since the wise men gave presents to a Jewish baby, not to each other, we should all give presents to Jewish babies that year as that seems closer to the really emulating the wise men.
My holiday strategy is to nod politely and participate in whatever my family is doing (i.e., though I doubt the efficacy of their prayer, I fold my arms and bow my head and don’t feel any need to leave). I don’t know whether some of you have qualms about acting religiously, but I’d recommend trying to meet your family halfway at least. Of course, if anybody has parents like the ones in the video, that probably won’t work. You can come have Christmas at my house; my parents are pretty chill.
Being raised in a wholly LDS community, there was always a heavy religious leaning on my christmases, as far as my friends go. I’ve received gifts, with cards telling me that my friends ‘pray that I find god soon’, and ‘the inevitability of my baptism brings lightness to their souls’ etc etc.
I was, however, lucky to be raised in a family that was always sans religion. The only sign of christ in my home at Christmas is a homemade manger, to which you add straw if you do a good deed. The main focus in my house at christmas is Santa, and each other. Though my sister and I are both grown, my mom STILL plays the whole Santa Claus facade, and I LOVE IT.
Still, there are religious pressings this holiday season, that I’m sure will cause tension in the coming weeks.
My father, for example, was recently ordained an elder of the LDS church.
The man spent 18 years telling me what I load of bullshit religion was, and then he goes and gets himself ordained for his wife of 3 months. I’ve already gotten the “You should be applying to BYU” talk, as well as the “Why don’t you just give church a try” talk. No doubt in the next two weeks I will be given the “Christ truly is your Savior” talk, after which I may seriously consider kneeing my very own father in the family jewels.
Wish me luck.
Happy Holidays everyone!
My family is devoutly LDS, and I just recently told them about my doubts about God, so I’m nervous about this holiday season to say the least. Every year we spend a lot of time with our extended family, who do not know, and my parents have asked me to spare, the news of my no longer being a member of the LDS faith… Seeing most of these gatherings include a lot of religious talk and practice, it’s going to be very difficult to avoid dropping the news. Whether I’m able to keep in the closet about my beliefs, or not, it’s going to be a very uncomfortable few weeks. I’m sure I’ll receive plenty of the “Christ truly is your Savior” talk as well over my long duration at home. So wish me luck as well!
Well Jessica, if you ever need advice as to how to address religious issues, feel free to give me a call. You can find my number on Facebook.
Thanks Jon
I think a good bit of advice can be found in the 4th Commandment — honor your father and mother.
I remember coming home after my junior year, fancying myself a Marxist, and I proceeded to scold the entire family throughout the holiday. I’ll never forget my Dad’s reply: “Son, if you want me to redistribute my income more fairly, I’d be happy to redirect some away from your tuition bills.” What is so comical is the scorn I remember feeling for him.
My wife tells a similar tale. After taking 2 years of psychology in college, she thought herself called to go home and “diagnose” the entire family and all of the “disfunction” in the family. You can imagine how well that went over.
Here is the thing — even if there is something to what you want to argue about, Christmas is hardly the time for the battles. Besides, I think one should be wary of heading home – a confident and blustery late teenager – and lecturing your parents on the basic truths of life. Your parents probably have some false beliefs (you probably do too). But isn’t it the apex of arrogance for a 21 year old to lecture their parents on the meaning of life? Your parents have lived through joys and sorrows, high times and low times. They’ve worked out their place in the world. And they’ve given you a gift that you could never possible repay. Being the father of young children, let me tell you that you don’t even remember half of the things your parents did for you.
Of course this doesn’t give them a “get out of jail free” card for believing false things. You might disagree with them on some very basic things, and that is fine. And this doesn’t mean there isn’t a time and a place for sincere dialogue. But the holidays are almost certainly not that time and place. Try to remember that any anger that comes your way is probably sourced in some very genuine pain and disappointment. You might not want Mom to feel that way, but if she does, well, those feelings are real. Don’t you owe her at least a bit of “going with the flow”?
I speak from someone who regrets how I went about it with my parents. I actually wrote my parents a letter in my late twenties, apologizing for my hubris. Regret is a basic part of human life, but you can avoid some future regret by acting with some charity now.
I am now on the reverse side. My family is all atheist (I was raised atheist), and I am a Catholic. But I don’t go home and press my Catholicism all over everyone. Instead I live my beliefs pretty quietly at home. If someone asks, I am kind but frank about my views. But I don’t make a big stink over it. This is an effective device – I think I’ve done more to open my family’s hearts by quietly living my faith (manifesting the goodness of my beliefs by the goodness and compassion of my actions) than any argument I could have made.
And yes, the arguments are very tempting. Not to sound prideful, but as a trained philosopher I could almost certainly club my family to death with an onslaught of philosophical rhetoric and argument. It would not be a fair fight. The same might be true of many of you (armed with philosophical or scientific insights). But when those arguments are made in holiday family contexts, they are very rarely made in the humble pursuit of truth. Rather, they almost always reflect some other family dynamic. Guess what, those family dynamics will always be with you. You don’t choose your family and you can’t make them change. Hell, they might be a bunch of horses asses. But you still ought to love them. Remember, man is not a perfectly rational animal. We have irrational drives and emotional states that cannot be reasoned away. Many of these drives are most evident during the stress of family holiday gatherings.
If a family member picks a fight, demur. ‘I’d rather enjoy this time with my family than argue over things we won’t be able to settle anyway’ seems like a graceful dodge. Be kind, gracious, understanding. Treating them or their beliefs as stupid will just make you look arrogant. You’ll do more to show them that your atheism is more than a “phase” by being gracious and warm than by any argument you might make, I can assure you of that. If your atheism really is humanistic, then be tender to your fellow humans. What is absolutely basic to humanism is a belief that the human person has a basic dignity. Treat everyone always as if this were true.
Oh, and Merry Christmas!
If the Christian story is true (and I of course firmly believe that it is), then it is a remarkable thing – the Lord God, born a baby in a cow stall.
“If a family member picks a fight, demur.”
Maybe. I think it’s usually better to engage that person civilly. Why evade what could be a very educable and edifying discussion? It depends on the person, though. If you’re prone to getting emotional in such discussion, demur.
More generally, I think you’re totally wrong to pin the problem on atheist youths’ arrogance or disrespect. There’s some of that, sure. But I think (if my personal experience is any indication) that it’s the parents who instigate the arguments. This is because, where religion is concerned, parents are more concerned over their kid’s atheism than the kid is worried about his/her parents’ faith. The parents feel as though their kid’s soul is at stake. This seems especially true in Mormonism, where families are only forever if all members remain faithful and righteous.
I am just skeptical that there is much in the way of educable and edifying discussion about such things at such an emotional time like the holidays. You see your parents a couple times a year, why shit all over it during that short time? But you are quite right, some family dynamics might allow this, others not. But I don’t think it is just a matter of whether the atheist is prone to get emotional. Even you are not, but you know your mom is, I still think it respectful to try to go with the flow and keep things at a low simmer instead of boiling over. I have substantially different values than the rest of my family. But I have found it largely a waste of everyone’s mental and emotional energy to try to work it out. Instead, I’ve learned to live with the difference and with the hope that they way I comport myself speaks volumes more than the arguments I could make. That is what I was encouraging.
I did not mean to pin it all on the arrogance of youth. I think that is part of it, and any discussion of these family dynamics would be incomplete without it. That is why I brought it up. By the way, I was pointing the finger squarely at myself and the way I comported myself as a college kid when I made those remarks. If you SHAFTERs are all substantially more mature 20 year olds than I was (a distinct possibility, I might add), then you won’t have those problems.
My guess is that both sides bring it up – the college atheist wears their atheism on their sleeve a bit too much (mini moments of worthless rebellion, like not bowing your head during the prayer) and that parents bring it up, precisely for the reasons you suggest. My larger point had nothing to do with assigning blame (who brings it up, etc). Rather, my larger point was about respecting the dignity of your parents. Respecting the genuine pain and concern they feel for you. Responding to that pain and concern with humility and grace, rather than argument. Even if you think their concern is based in a fantasy, it is a fundamental belief for them, it is a part of their own personal journey. That deserves and demands, I think, respect. That was my point.
Of course, your atheism is part of your own personal journey, and I think that deserves respect too. But just because it deserves respect does not mean it will get it. Your parents may well not respect what you are doing, and might well infantilize you when it comes up. That can be extremely frustrating. But I hardly think it changes your moral obligation to honor they father and mother. So be gracious. Someday when your kids become Catholic and you are terribly disappointed in them, you’ll hope for similar treatment.
Hey, take or leave my 2 cents on the matter. Just don’t invite me to your holiday dinner – I’ll accuse all of you (you SHAFT atheists and your Mormon parents) of having false beliefs!!
(In fact, I don’t think Mormons understand what Christmas is at all, since they deny the Christmas miracle (suggesting that Christ was conceived “in the same manner” as you or I) plus they reject the two natures of Christ so don’t really have an incarnational theology, etc etc etc).
While I’ve heard my fair share of stories (both good and bad) about Mormon families with respect to their “wayward” sons and daughters, I of course have no first hand experience with whatever unique family dynamics Mormonism (and particularly its theology of the family) brings to the table. I am sure that it exacerbates the discomfort for atheist children coming home.
It actually raises all sorts of interesting questions.
- What do children owe their parents? Does familial piety require that one not seek the truth with one’s own? (Socrates does not explicitly say so, but does seem surprised by Euthyphro’s lack of familial piety in prosecuting his own father).
- Can unequal relationships where one party has given beyond what the other (child) could possibly repay ever become equal? What is owed in such unequal friendships? (Aristotle takes up these questions in the later books of the Nicomachean Ethics).
- Is it the parents’ job to save their kids souls, so to speak? Or is it the child’s job to save the parents? (The ultimate adolescent salvific rebellion view is expressed in Star Wars, where Luke’s refusal of paternal piety (Luke does not even have piety toward his aunt and uncle) actually saves his father from his evil).
While I’m not an atheist, I would like to share a few thoughts.
First, Ben, you are someone I respect greatly. I have always been aware of our differences when it comes to religion, and your dignified way in dealing with opposing viewpoints has made quite an impression. I appreciate the fact that you aren’t too shy to discuss religion, and when you do so, you behave graciously. Again, I think the way you approach the religious divide with your peers demonstrates that you are a very tolerant and wise individual.
Dr. Kleiner, I found your response to be quite enlightening. I think tolerance and humility demonstrate that an individual is open to truth. Too often our behavior is motivated by arrogance and malice, and we end up hurting those around us. In the end, no matter how correct our viewpoints and beliefs may be, if we act contemptuously we are doing more to undermine our position than promote it. Thankfully, I am blessed to have a family with a rich diversity. This has fostered a greater understand among family members and regardless of religion, race, sexual orientation, and/or political affiliation, we can all sit at the same table and break bread.
Jon, as a religious person, I have met a great number of individuals who don’t share the same beliefs, and regardless, treat me and my religious faith with respect. There are a number of atheists who frequent this site, for example, who are very courteous when the subject of religion comes up. For this I am grateful. Notwithstanding, I also have experience with people who openly disrespect my faith and demean me as a religious individual. Such behavior does not cause me to question my faith, but instead, compels me to cling even more tightly to my religion.
I think that the Christmas campaign led by American Humanist Association is an excellent example of atheists treating their religious counterparts with respect. When atheists and secularists lead exhausting crusades against religious expressions, I can’t help but feel indignant… not as a religious individual, but as a tolerant human being. In many cases, a nativity scene and/or a war memorial is simply reflecting the cultural identity or history of the community… it doesn’t actually threaten anyone directly, but instead, presents a certain belief or cultural identity.
With simple advertisements, I feel that the AHA is going to be more effective in propagating an alternative point-of-view, than if they unleashed an unrighteous flurry of anti-nativity law suits.
Finally, I don’t think that Dr. Kleiner is specifically “pinning” anything on atheist youths. I interpreted his comments to mean that whenever opposing viewpoints are at the same table and family is involved, it’s best to act respectfully and avoid a hurtful confrontation. As Dr. Kleiner indicated, such ugly episodes are possible with Marxists, Catholics, and atheists, not simply one exclusive group. I really don’t think its fair to “pin” this on any group in particular. We all know that believers and non-believers can act disrespectfully- perhaps the religious feel that a person’s soul is at stake, and the atheist believes that the person is offending their own intelligence… whatever the case, intolerance is widespread. BTW, great post.
“I have substantially different values than the rest of my family. But I have found it largely a waste of everyone’s mental and emotional energy to try to work it out.”
Well I’m sorry you’re not as persuasive as I am. ;)
Really, though, very rarely have I found a religious discussion a waste of energy. Even when I don’t persuade someone of my view, I think both parties are better off with an increased understanding of one another. Maybe it’s just my family dynamics or the company I keep, but I have yet to seriously regret discussing religious disagreements with anyone. If you approach such a discussion respectfully, people almost always return the favor.
“Instead, I’ve learned to live with the difference and with the hope that they way I comport myself speaks volumes more than the arguments I could make.”
I can appreciate differences, but I still think it’s preferable to reach mutual understanding, if not agreement. And again, I think you’re presenting people with a false choice: have a respectful comportment, or discuss religious disagreements. They’re not mutually exclusive in most cases. If one knows from experience that there can be no such thing as a respectful disagreement about religion in their family, though, then of course avoid the discussion.
In any case, it’s not my intention to get people to incite religious debates with their family during the Christmas season. If neither you nor your parents care to discuss religion, then don’t–just enjoy their company and the holiday. But in some circumstances, an airing of disagreements is healthy. I just want to stress that not every religious discussion needs to end in angry tears.
“Well I’m sorry you’re not as persuasive as I am.”
Stuff like that is really unneeded, Jon.
I agree that it’s a waste of time to go on religious rants over the holidays. I owe a great deal to my parents, so I feel like the least I can do is show respect. If not for their beliefs, then at least for their traditions.
Ps. Sorry for the sentence fragment.
Ash, my comment to Kleiner was of course meant in jest (thus the emoticon). He and I are friends, and I hope he took it as little more than a good-natured jab.
And nobody here is advocating that people go on “religious rants.” Surely there is a difference between a respectful religious discussion and a rant.
I didn’t mean to imply that they were advocated, but rather tried to echo the opinion that a level of passiveness is better suited for the holidays.
Agreed.
Let’s state the obvious – every family has different dynamics, so there is no one-size-fits-all rule here. Prudence is required.
My posts were in response to Jon’s initial post – where Jon stressed how uncomfortable it can be for atheists, how awful religious parents can be to their atheist children, how strained the time can be, the vindictive things that can be said, etc. But in his later posts Jon presents a far more optimistic view. I presumed, based on the first post, that tension, unproductive argumentation (though that video strikes me as fake), were par for the course and was the anticipated treatment for many SHAFTers. If not, if Jon’s later optimism is more often the case, then I am glad for that. I just wouldn’t count on it!
But if your family can sit down and have a respectful engagement of ideas where all leave with a better understanding of each other, then go for it. Most on this blog know me – I am not a shrinking violet who typically advocates swallowing one’s tongue (Lord knows I hardly ever do!). I just think prudence requires that one comport oneself with extra humility when you are home with your parents.
But one thing to remember is that man is not a perfectly rational animal (since many secular humanists are just rehashing the failed enlightenment, they often forget this). Just because there are reasonable arguments to make and thoughtful discussions to have, does not mean that things will pan out that way. We are not perfectly rational, nor is a perfectly rational society possible. This is nowhere more true than at home during the holidays. At the end of the day, I just think you approach questions of truth differently with your family than in other social contexts. There is a reason we have sayings like “don’t talk about politics or religion at the dinner table”. Some families can, but because of the unequal status of the parties and the emotionally charged family dynamic this is probably rare. Remember that as a college student, you are in a strange “between” for your parents. You are reading and thinking about all sorts of things your parents can no longer control, so have substantially more independence (you are no longer a child). But you still probably have a relationship of dependency in other respects. And it takes time, I think, for parents to learn how to be with their adult children, just as it takes time for adult children to reshape their relationship with their parents). This is difficult for both mothers and fathers, but around here I think particularly for mothers (the culture here often corners women into an identity of motherhood where their entire identity is wrapped up in that care-taking role, making the transition that much more difficult. Everybody Loves Raymond does a nice job of playing this out).
Obviously no offense taken, Jon.
One last remark: You can always count on Bill OReilly to make conservatives look crazed. But let’s not pretend that secularism is not ever militant. Religious expressions have a place in our society. I would not pick the fight over saying “happy holidays”, but there is a fight to be had concerning the desire of militant secularists to strip the square naked.
Merry Christmas!
Another bit of unsolicited advice: leave you six-shooter of talking points (overheated soundbites from Hitchens and crew about the evil of religion) in your dorm room.
At my home there is no religious paraphernalia. I have a tree with snowflakes, striped and sparkly globes, glass ornaments in the shape of candies and little birds. My topper is a bow. Aside from that, I only have a tiny tree on my table and lights on the house. Even when I was being raised religious and desperately seeking for an answer, Christmas was never about Christ for me. I found I much preferred giving gifts to family and friends, making personal visits, spending time and enjoying the one time of year my family has consistently got along to worshiping. Instead of turning towards my inward spirituality, I focused on outwards acts of good will. I still drop off baskets of homemade treats with hand-written cards, notes to my dad’s staff and members of my parents ward who I was close to growing up. Though the past few years haven’t been feasible in terms of secret santa or the like, I’ve donated food and paper goods to the catholic homeless shelter in town. I love this time of year because I can give freely to anyone and everyone, without having to explain myself.
As far as religious traditions, I’ve come to a silent agreement with myself when it comes to my family. If my parents talk about their involvement in church, I show interest – it is a huge part of their lives, just as my focus on education is a huge part of mine. When they pray I fold my arms and bow my head, but I don’t say amen. When my grandmother reads the Christmas story from Luke in the bible I sit and listen quietly – it’s a beautiful story and has always been a tradition. That’s always been the largest religious focus of Christmas Eve for my family. I usually play carols, secular and religious, on the piano, while my family sings and it’s a time to just be together and enjoy each other’s company.
While others may try and push the religious aspect hard, I have a simple reply: Christmas, for me, is about giving and being with family. Though my parents push religion on me at various other times through the year (we live in the same town) they tend to avoid such semantics at holidays – they know it causes stress on both parts. I avoid the same, though I always avoid trying to push my beliefs onto them. If I “argue” anything with them, it’s why having a glass of wine doesn’t mean I’m a horrible sinner, or that no, shopping on Sunday is NOT the reason my car was once stolen. I figure if they want the truth concerning their religion, it’s out there, but they mostly seem happy and both of them have a deeply-rooted need to believe in the afterlife and that’s alright with me.
The only timea I “push” anything is when my mother asks when I’m going to “settle down and focus on the important things,” or asks when I’m going to get my act together, go back to church and get my husband converted. I’m happily married, getting ready to start a master’s and my husband and I are working on remodeling our house bit by bit. We’re happy and, unless we have drastic changes, not planning on having children. This is the only time I’ll actively push back against her religious beliefs – I believe I’m much more than just a means of producing children while she believes having a child is ultimately the only worthwhile thing a woman does. I only fight this when it’s brought up, though I’m sure once I’ve been married a few more years things will get more intense. She thinks my lack of church attendance, or care about anything religious, is a rebellious stage and that I’ll finally grow up. At these I’ve tried to explain that it wasn’t something that came quickly or easily, and that religion (and a belief in god) simply doesn’t hold any comfort for me. I’ve also explained numerous times that my husband doesn’t care about religion, never has and doesn’t believe in her faith or Christianity, period. She’s stubborn in insisting I’ll change my mind on both accounts, though I simply maintain it’s my right to change my mind if I do, but she has nothing to do with those parts of my life. Again, I don’t bring it up, but these are two things I will not passively deal with.
Kleiner – I agree that generally trying to keep peace around one’s family is the best thing to do, though I would add the exception of standing up for yourself when and if confronted. Just remain calm, deal with them as people, and realize that if they are deeply religious (or not), they’re individuals and they’re your family. If you are consistently run over, boundaries can be important, but it never hurts to try and avoid conflict if you can.
Great post, Cherie.
One positive thing, if you carry yourself well, is you put a face on atheism. Really, how many atheists do your parents know? Here in Utah, how many non-Mormons are they close with? It is a very homogenous place here. It is easy for them to treat atheism as something entirely “other”, since it does not have a human face for them.
I can understand parents thinking the atheism is a “just a phase”. Fact is, lots of college kids move away from their faith for a while and then return as they grow older. I’m not saying that will happen to everyone, but it is a pretty common thing. The hound of heaven might bite even the most hardened secularist someday!